I've been a member of the IHG Priority Club for many years now. It's like a frequent flyer club for a few hotel chains, including the classy Intercontinental and the reliable Holiday Inn. Since I travel a lot, it makes sense that today's hotel visits earn me a little something for tomorrow.

Through frequent stays I've attained Platinum level, and though I never looked into the details I assumed it'd mean amazing surprises when I checked into the Intercontinental Budapest. I couldn't have been more wrong: while the lobby was jammed with Midwestern seniors in fanny packs and floppy hats, and 90% of their rooms overlooked the stunning castle district, my room looked directly into a run-down office building literally fifteen feet away.

I looked online and found an explanation. It seems IHG has several levels of membership, and mine wasn't particularly close to the top. To save you from similar disappointment on your next IHG stay, I've summarized the perks that come with each level of membership, below:

• Sapphire level: Enjoy the special Executive Club floor, with free food, drinks, and cable TV.
  
• Diamond level: In your room you will find upgraded amenities and a free daily newspaper.
  
• Platinum level: You can go squeeze a Pekinese until it barks Puccini.
  

• Sapphire level: Guests at this level get complimentary room upgrades, when available.
  
• Diamond level: Guests at this level can purchase room upgrades for a small fee.
  
• Platinum level: Guests at this level can bend over and whistle like a chicken on a Schwinn.
  

• Sapphire level: Members get VIP check-in 24 hours a day.
  
• Diamond level: Members get priority check in, allowing you to dodge those irritating lines.
  
• Platinum level: Membership enables you to go pull turds out of a duck.
  

• Sapphire level: Enjoy limousine service on every day of your stay.
  
• Diamond level: Enjoy free car service to and from the airport.
  
• Platinum level: You can go rub a lamp but it don't mean shit's gonna show up.
  

• Sapphire level: Guests at this level get free extended stays, based on availability.
  
• Diamond level: Guests at this level get a free night with every four stays, based on availability.
  
• Platinum level: Guests at this level can fuck a dead mule with my grandma's dick.
  

You had to tell people you were sick of vampires, right? Because now we've got to prepare ourselves for the next supernatural creature tsunami. Judging by Channing Tatum in "Jupiter Ascending" and Evangeline Lilly in "The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug," 2014 will be the year of the sexy elf.

So thank you very much. I breathlessly await scintillating dialog like this:

• "Just lie back and let me make you cookies."


• "Are you happy to see me or is that a pocketful of Reindeer Chow?"


• "You're tired of people talking about your ears? Okay. I can see your point."


• "Yeah, baby! I'm going to start calling you Lord of the Schwings."


• "Well, I've got a bridge to sell you. Just not the one I live underneath."


• "Norse mythology? Judging by what's in those little green shorts you should be in horse mythology too."


• "Mmm -- I never thought one of Santa's Helpers would want to go down to the South Pole."


• "My enchanted forest has never seen a mushroom like that."


• "Sweetie, that's not what I meant when I said I was tired of fuckin' fairies."


• "No, seriously. I really just want to put a ribbon around your Mouse Trap."


• "I'm very sorry; I never should have said I wanted to munch on your Lucky Charms."

The Realistic Roadshow

When I saw you holding this in line I thought, "Wow, if that's the most valuable thing at her house she must not have shoes or frozen food."

You say you found this at a thrift shop. Well, I have great news: you've almost gotten rid of that poor-people smell.

You mentioned that your husband got mad at you for buying this. Well, it's good to know there's somebody at your house who can change the lightbulbs and close the fridge.

Your mother said it's valuable? Well, my mother said my nose would shrink to fit my face.

I've never seen anything like this in my entire life, and I let the UPS man use my bathroom.

You think it's Tiffany. Well, I think Chuck Norris is attractive, and I'd have an easier time finding an expert who agrees with me.

If this were in my store, I'd put something attractive in front of it.

At a well-publicized auction, I think people would say, "Why is this at a well-publicized auction?"

If two bidders really liked this, it could go for a lot of money. And if Liz Taylor came back from the dead and thought this was a giant Twinkie, it could go for even more.

If I were you, I would insure this for $10,000. And then I'd burn down my house.

How West Side Story Would Change If It'd Been Written By Rogers & Hammerstein

• The song "I Want To Live In America" mentions eighteen types of pie.


• Instead of knife fights, the Sharks and Jets have yodeling competitions.


• Maria sings "I Feel Pretty" after making a dress out of wrapping paper and Bubble Yum.


• Maria endears herself to the Jets by teaching them how to play the spoons.


• The song "I Just Met A Girl Named Maria" has a chorus about goatherds.


• The fight scenes are choreographed by Kenny Ortega.


• In bed, Tony shows Maria his skill with finger puppets.


• Officer Krupke isn't an idiot.


• The line "There's a place for us" is followed by eighteen kids yelling, "VIENNA!"


• What kills Tony? Acute peritonitis.

How The Sound of Music Would Change If It'd Been Written By Leonard Bernstein

• Maria is kicked out of the convent because she's pregnant.


• When Maria says "fa" means a long, long way to run, some white kids hit her with a rock.


• The Nazis are played by Sal Mineo and Montgomery Clift.


• Maria's favorite things include pony kegs and Nine Inch Nails.


• When Liesl sings that she needs someone older and wiser, Rolf suggests Swami Vivekananda.


• The kids entertain party guests by playing mumblypeg.


• The answer to "How Do You Solve A Problem Like Maria"? Asphyxiation.

Looking for new ways to save money in the new year? Turn to Bankrate, the best consumer financial services company that buys space on Earthlink's logout page. They've collected some of the best tips your favorite Hollywood stars have for saving money in 10 True Tales of Celebrity Frugality, which we've edited and summarized. As Bankrate says, "Following their frugal habits could help your bottom line in the new year."

• Rob Lowe: Spend money to create memories, not just buy things. For instance, if your child expresses an interest in tennis, take them to Wimbledon.


• Joel McHale: You might be tempted to go crazy with your money, but there are perfectly nice cars you can buy for under two hundred grand.


• Nicholas Sparks: Sell all your extra homes, because then you won't feel obligated to go visit them.


• Patrick Warburton: In Las Vegas, walk away from the poker table when you're down three grand.


• Jill Hennessey: Instead of buying expensive designer clothes, find cheap ripoffs. Check the labels in clothes to make sure they're made in China.


• Roger Daltrey: Don't go around buying expensive homes: castles have much better resale value. Also, save money on grocery bills by buying a farm. The fruits and vegetables your migrant workers collect will cost a fraction of what you'd pay in an organic store.


• Carson Kressley: Take the subway instead of a cab, then occasionally reward yourself with an expensive pair of shoes or a stable of a dozen racehorses.


• Kris Jenner: Work hard and save your money. Grind that booty even when you're exhausted, because the day will come when your sex tapes just don't sell.

The Food Network is one of the biggest successes in niche television. Started in 1993, the network has introduced to America such celebrity chefs as Emeril Lagasse, Rachael Ray, and Bobby Flay. Viewership has increased exponentially, recently hitting a record ninety million households.

Naturally the business world is taking notice, so don't be surprised when the Food Network's blueprint shows up in real life.

• Whenever somebody throws a surprise party, they warn the recipient a month in advance.


• Hundreds of beauty pageants are held every year, yet you never see or hear from any of the winners again.


• While you're having sex, you hear a smug narrator detail the history of felching.


• As your doctor is examining you, he relates a story about how his Nana always used to have green stools.


• A traffic cop gives you a ticket for DFIATMPHZ.


• After eating her fried chicken and donuts for eighteen years, you discover your mom makes a commission off your Xenical.


• Instead of actually fucking you, hookers just tell you about the best blow job they ever gave.


• Everybody's resume starts with the line, "In 1993 Queen Elizabeth knighted me, and then I baked Lady Di's wedding cake."

Bill Donohue, president of the Catholic League for Religious and Civil Rights, has a full-page ad in the New York Times today defending the church against claims it tolerated child molestation. As we read his ridiculous diatribe, we got to wondering: what would Donohue say if five thousand priests were vampires?

1. "Five thousand? That's barely, like, -- what's a bunch of vampires called?"

2. "If all these priests are always biting people, why hasn't somebody gotten a picture of it?"

3. "Wait, so we're all in love with Robert Pattinson, but some old dude with bad breath in a rayon robe is totally creepy?"

4. "Sucking the blood of innocents is inexcusable! But what if these guys just bit their necks and drank?"

5. "Honestly, we tried to stop them, but we used up all our garlic for spaghetti sauce."

6. "You saw these guys drinking blood during mass. You thought they went home and switched to Ovaltine?"

7. "I hear through the rumor mill that a lot of the victims were already undead."

8. "Oh, puh-leeze. Like getting bitten is a one-sided thing."

9. "Hey, why don't we talk about the Jews for a minute? Why don't we ever see them with crucifixes?"

10. "If the church were truly harboring criminals, I wouldn't be able to look at myself in the mirror. Well, you know, if I could."