Bowing to the needs of their adoring public, Wal-Mart now sells coffins online. As you'd expect from the world's biggest store that stocks both Pampers and birth control pills, these coffins reflect an odd, middle-American slant. See if you can tell which of the options below are offered in Wal-Mart coffins and which exist solely on my wish list.

1. Blue interior for dad
2. Pink interior for mom
3. Scotchgarded interior for grandpa
4. Details copied from DaVinci's Last Supper
5. Sleep Number mattress
6. Precision pinstriping for dead high-powered executives
7. Pastel-colored Thomas Kinkade "Knockin' on Heaven's Gate" edition
8. Budget coffin for Hispanics
9. Patriotic "Stars and Stripes" edition
10. Cup holder
11. Extended dimensions for oversized corpses
12. Gun rack
13. Tiny speakers playing Toby Keith for all eternity



ANSWERS:1, 2, 4, 6, 8, 9 and 11 are real.

Songs on the New Bob Dylan Christmas Album

All I Really Want for Christmas
Don't Think Twice, It's Fluffy and White
Just Like Ye Merry Gentlemen
Gotta Serve Some Santa
Positively North Pole
Knockin' on Santa's Door
Watching the Reindeer Glow
Like a Rolling Snowball
Plinga Pling Pling (Little Tambourine Man)
Just Like Tiny Tim's Blues
A Fluffy Snow's Gonna Fall
Reindeer Day Women Nos. 12 & 35
Stuck Inside an Igloo with King Wenceslaus Again

Are you smarter than a fifth grader? Fat chance! In fact, I'll bet you can't even match first graders here.

Well, first graders from other countries, but still. See if you can identify the sounds that foreign animals make.

1. You're near the old Checkpoint Charlie and hear Tschiwitt tschiwitt tschiwitt coming from behind a fragment of the Wall. Which of these facts would you share with your German hosts?

(a) During the war, generals used to communicate with the troops by tying notes to their legs.
(b) If you force-feed these guys until they're fat, their livers are absolutely delicious.
(c) I have a shirt that's woven from the stuff these things squirt out their asses.

2. You're at a farm outside of Tokyo and you hear something calling Nyan nyan from behind the barn. What are you more likely to tell your Japanese hosts about this animal?

(a) Where I come from, we repeatedly yank on their udders and then drink the stuff that comes out.
(b) Andrew Lloyd Weber wrote a really popular musical about them.
(c) Did you know they feed their babies by vomiting predigested food in their mouths?

3. In the Presidential Box at Teatro dell'Opera in Rome you hear something go Squit, squit, squit. What will you tell your seatmate, the Count?

(a) I went to a race once where one broke its leg and somebody came out and shot it.
(b) When I was a kid I had this cool toy that trapped a bunch of these guys behind clear plastic so I could watch them tunnel around.
(c) In America there's a children's rhyme about how a farmer's wife disfigured three of these that were already blind.

4. You're in the rural flatlands of Malmö, and hear Ock-ock! coming from a neighbor's yard. What are you more likely to say to your Swedish friends?

(a) In America there's a Colonel who fries these things with eleven herbs and spices.
(b) Those guys really freak me out with their pointy horns and Satan eyeballs.
(c) I heard Catherine the Great was killed while she was getting fucked by one.

5. You're guzzling ouzo in Greece with a half-dressed sailor and hear something go Kikiriku! Which of these will you share with your new friend?

(a) Once when I was a kid I found one of those on a lilypad behind my house.
(b) Please don't tell me it's time to get up.
(c) There's this really famous gay magician in Las Vegas who was nearly clawed to death by one.

6. You're at Zsa Zsa Gabor's house when you hear something going Lefety lefety. Which would you say to your Hungarian host?

(a) These guys are endangered partly because they eat nothing but eucalyptus leaves.
(b) I leave water out for mine so he doesn't have to drink from the toilet bowl.
(c) Good god, Zsa Zsa, better cut back on his snacks or he's going to wear off all the hair between his legs.



ANSWERS: 1a, 2b, 3c, 4a, 5b, 6b

It's true: every successful person lied to get where they are. In fact, I've read so many lies recently I can't keep them all straight. See if you can tell which of the following claims were supposedly made by Tracy Anderson, fitness trainer to stars like Madonna and Gwyneth Paltrow, and which were made by TV chef Robert Irvine, current host of the Food Network's Dinner Impossible.

(1) Owned a castle in Scotland
(2) Had an ex who played for the Knicks
(3) Was knighted by Queen Elizabeth
(4) Has a bachelor's degree from the University of Leeds
(5) Was a White House chef
(6) Was one of the Power Rangers
(7) Worked on Prince Charles and Princess Diana's wedding cake
(8) Once starred in the musical Cats



ANSWERS: (1), (3), (4), (5) and (7) are Robert Irvine; (2), (6), and (8) are Tracy Anderson

Japanese inventors have come up with a device they claim translates a dog's woofs into words.

When the dog barks, the Bowlingual Voice picks up the sound with its built-in microphone, deciphers it, and then uses a speech synthesizer to tell the owner what the dog is trying to say.

I got an early version of this amazing little gadget and, well, I've got mixed feelings about it. Here's a list of everything my dog said yesterday:

I wuv you. Yes, I wuv you. Christ, just gimme the fuckin' Snausage already, ya jerk!

It's pale, it's skinny, it's furry. Why wouldn't I mistake your leg for a Pekinese?

Would you please stop telling the neighbors that I'm the one who keeps peeing on their plants?

Yeah, my dad's name is Mach Wysiwyg Triple Trougle Re XF. Yours is Wally. What's your point?

I swear to God, you turn that back to Animal Planet or you're gonna find a big brown present in your wingtips tomorrow.

Well, yeah, usually I offer unconditional love, but dude, I never met anyone who could eat a whole wheel of cheese.

Gimme a kiss. Gimme a kiss. Seriously, I've gotta get the taste of ass off my tongue.

And one day Binky says to me, you know what, Chester? I swear to God, I'm gonna bite the nose off the next motherfucker who taps on that glass.

C'mon, ask me why I lick my balls. Ask me.

RomanHans is nothing if not a guy who seizes opportunity. For instance, sometimes I'll see a dude who's so good looking I've got to say something just in the distant hope sparks will fly. As a public service, though, I figured I'd pass along a few opening lines I've tried that didn't exactly ignite a hot conversation.

I don't recall ever seeing a tuna sandwich that looked so doggone awesome.

I was just thinking that if I was homeless and somebody gave me a dollar I'd want to pay them back in some way.

Sigh; and to think I'd finally get my massage certification if I just found one more volunteer.

I don't know why, but I've always had a Larry Craig kind of stance.

I've always said that wrinkles are really happy memories pulling your skin toward the ground.

Last night there were naked dudes fucking in all these bushes and nobody even gave a second glance.

That pendant is just so awesome, and -- wow -- your chest is sooo smooth.

It has been four years since my last confession, but I wouldn't have waited nearly as long if I'd known there were priests as hot as you.

Your virile jawline is more interesting than any old movie.

After you guys are done fighting the fire, do you need somebody to wash your smoky clothes?

Wow, officer: the blue of your uniform exactly matches the color of my balls.

The Ten Stupidest Things People Said to the Crew of Flight 1549

-- I saw The Cable Guy on an airplane a few years ago, and I'm thinking you people got the better deal.

-- Were you, like, serving goose on the plane, and maybe that flock threw themselves at you because they were mad?

-- I'd like to thank all you flight attendants on America's behalf: namely, Donna Dent, age 51; Sheila Dail, age 57; and Doreen Welsh, age 58.

-- I'm a reporter for Channel 7. If people have nine lives like cats, how many have you used up and how?

-- I was a passenger in first class. Does this mean my massage is off?

-- So, are there like five thousand tiny bottles of alcohol at the bottom of the Hudson today?

-- Did you actually see the giant hand of God close around the plane and lower you to safety?

-- I swear, the next time I take a plane flight, I'm going to listen to all the bullshit you stewardesses say.

-- As a tribute to the bravery of the Flight 1549 crew I stomped eight geese today.

-- Captain, my name's RomanHans. I'd really like to shake your hand . . . or any other body part you want.

President Bush decided to close out his second term with an unusual display of honesty: the belated acknowledgement that yes, he'd made a few mistakes. While left-wing liberals may be disappointed that there weren't any major disclosures, some of the revelations gave us amateur historians a deeper insight into the man's character.

-- Wore Oil of Olay throughout 2008 thinking it'd turn him into a matador.

-- A rider he attached to a bill outlawing gay marriage also made it a felony to own a Cockapoo.

-- In the fall of 2006, he asked Blair Underwood for the hand of his daughter Carrie.

-- Authorized the funding of a three-billion dollar supercollider thinking it was some kind of cocktail.

-- Once went to a hardware store to buy a bottle of Liquid Electrician.

-- Still thinks Seabiscuit is a vegetarian snack.

-- Throughout the whole of his first term, he thought WMDs were his doctors.

-- When a reporter asked how it felt to be the worst president in history, he replied, "But I did pretty good in English, right?"

-- Once bought a frappuccino thinking it was an Italian monkey.

-- Had to destroy two million copies of the New York Times after a reporter asked what kind of underwear he wore and he answered, "Depends."