You had to tell people you were sick of vampires, right? Because now we've got to prepare ourselves for the next supernatural creature tsunami. Judging by Channing Tatum in "Jupiter Ascending" and Evangeline Lilly in "The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug," 2014 will be the year of the sexy elf.

So thank you very much. I breathlessly await scintillating dialog like this:

• "Just lie back and let me make you cookies."


• "Are you happy to see me or is that a pocketful of Reindeer Chow?"


• "You're tired of people talking about your ears? Okay. I can see your point."


• "Yeah, baby! I'm going to start calling you Lord of the Schwings."


• "Well, I've got a bridge to sell you. Just not the one I live underneath."


• "Norse mythology? Judging by what's in those little green shorts you should be in horse mythology too."


• "Mmm -- I never thought one of Santa's Helpers would want to go down to the South Pole."


• "My enchanted forest has never seen a mushroom like that."


• "Sweetie, that's not what I meant when I said I was tired of fuckin' fairies."


• "No, seriously. I really just want to put a ribbon around your Mouse Trap."


• "I'm very sorry; I never should have said I wanted to munch on your Lucky Charms."

The Realistic Roadshow

When I saw you holding this in line I thought, "Wow, if that's the most valuable thing at her house she must not have shoes or frozen food."

You say you found this at a thrift shop. Well, I have great news: you've almost gotten rid of that poor-people smell.

You mentioned that your husband got mad at you for buying this. Well, it's good to know there's somebody at your house who can change the lightbulbs and close the fridge.

Your mother said it's valuable? Well, my mother said my nose would shrink to fit my face.

I've never seen anything like this in my entire life, and I let the UPS man use my bathroom.

You think it's Tiffany. Well, I think Chuck Norris is attractive, and I'd have an easier time finding an expert who agrees with me.

If this were in my store, I'd put something attractive in front of it.

At a well-publicized auction, I think people would say, "Why is this at a well-publicized auction?"

If two bidders really liked this, it could go for a lot of money. And if Liz Taylor came back from the dead and thought this was a giant Twinkie, it could go for even more.

If I were you, I would insure this for $10,000. And then I'd burn down my house.

How West Side Story Would Change If It'd Been Written By Rogers & Hammerstein

• The song "I Want To Live In America" mentions eighteen types of pie.


• Instead of knife fights, the Sharks and Jets have yodeling competitions.


• Maria sings "I Feel Pretty" after making a dress out of wrapping paper and Bubble Yum.


• Maria endears herself to the Jets by teaching them how to play the spoons.


• The song "I Just Met A Girl Named Maria" has a chorus about goatherds.


• The fight scenes are choreographed by Kenny Ortega.


• In bed, Tony shows Maria his skill with finger puppets.


• Officer Krupke isn't an idiot.


• The line "There's a place for us" is followed by eighteen kids yelling, "VIENNA!"


• What kills Tony? Acute peritonitis.

How The Sound of Music Would Change If It'd Been Written By Leonard Bernstein

• Maria is kicked out of the convent because she's pregnant.


• When Maria says "fa" means a long, long way to run, some white kids hit her with a rock.


• The Nazis are played by Sal Mineo and Montgomery Clift.


• Maria's favorite things include pony kegs and Nine Inch Nails.


• When Liesl sings that she needs someone older and wiser, Rolf suggests Swami Vivekananda.


• The kids entertain party guests by playing mumblypeg.


• The answer to "How Do You Solve A Problem Like Maria"? Asphyxiation.