I've been a member of the IHG Priority Club for many years now. It's like a frequent flyer club for a few hotel chains, including the classy Intercontinental and the reliable Holiday Inn. Since I travel a lot, it makes sense that today's hotel visits earn me a little something for tomorrow.

Through frequent stays I've attained Platinum level, and though I never looked into the details I assumed it'd mean amazing surprises when I checked into the Intercontinental Budapest. I couldn't have been more wrong: while the lobby was jammed with Midwestern seniors in fanny packs and floppy hats, and 90% of their rooms overlooked the stunning castle district, my room looked directly into a run-down office building literally fifteen feet away.

I looked online and found an explanation. It seems IHG has several levels of membership, and mine wasn't particularly close to the top. To save you from similar disappointment on your next IHG stay, I've summarized the perks that come with each level of membership, below:

• Sapphire level: Enjoy the special Executive Club floor, with free food, drinks, and cable TV.
  
• Diamond level: In your room you will find upgraded amenities and a free daily newspaper.
  
• Platinum level: You can go squeeze a Pekinese until it barks Puccini.
  

• Sapphire level: Guests at this level get complimentary room upgrades, when available.
  
• Diamond level: Guests at this level can purchase room upgrades for a small fee.
  
• Platinum level: Guests at this level can bend over and whistle like a chicken on a Schwinn.
  

• Sapphire level: Members get VIP check-in 24 hours a day.
  
• Diamond level: Members get priority check in, allowing you to dodge those irritating lines.
  
• Platinum level: Membership enables you to go pull turds out of a duck.
  

• Sapphire level: Enjoy limousine service on every day of your stay.
  
• Diamond level: Enjoy free car service to and from the airport.
  
• Platinum level: You can go rub a lamp but it don't mean shit's gonna show up.
  

• Sapphire level: Guests at this level get free extended stays, based on availability.
  
• Diamond level: Guests at this level get a free night with every four stays, based on availability.
  
• Platinum level: Guests at this level can fuck a dead mule with my grandma's dick.
  

You had to tell people you were sick of vampires, right? Because now we've got to prepare ourselves for the next supernatural creature tsunami. Judging by Channing Tatum in "Jupiter Ascending" and Evangeline Lilly in "The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug," 2014 will be the year of the sexy elf.

So thank you very much. I breathlessly await scintillating dialog like this:

• "Just lie back and let me make you cookies."


• "Are you happy to see me or is that a pocketful of Reindeer Chow?"


• "You're tired of people talking about your ears? Okay. I can see your point."


• "Yeah, baby! I'm going to start calling you Lord of the Schwings."


• "Well, I've got a bridge to sell you. Just not the one I live underneath."


• "Norse mythology? Judging by what's in those little green shorts you should be in horse mythology too."


• "Mmm -- I never thought one of Santa's Helpers would want to go down to the South Pole."


• "My enchanted forest has never seen a mushroom like that."


• "Sweetie, that's not what I meant when I said I was tired of fuckin' fairies."


• "No, seriously. I really just want to put a ribbon around your Mouse Trap."


• "I'm very sorry; I never should have said I wanted to munch on your Lucky Charms."

The Realistic Roadshow

When I saw you holding this in line I thought, "Wow, if that's the most valuable thing at her house she must not have shoes or frozen food."

You say you found this at a thrift shop. Well, I have great news: you've almost gotten rid of that poor-people smell.

You mentioned that your husband got mad at you for buying this. Well, it's good to know there's somebody at your house who can change the lightbulbs and close the fridge.

Your mother said it's valuable? Well, my mother said my nose would shrink to fit my face.

I've never seen anything like this in my entire life, and I let the UPS man use my bathroom.

You think it's Tiffany. Well, I think Chuck Norris is attractive, and I'd have an easier time finding an expert who agrees with me.

If this were in my store, I'd put something attractive in front of it.

At a well-publicized auction, I think people would say, "Why is this at a well-publicized auction?"

If two bidders really liked this, it could go for a lot of money. And if Liz Taylor came back from the dead and thought this was a giant Twinkie, it could go for even more.

If I were you, I would insure this for $10,000. And then I'd burn down my house.

How West Side Story Would Change If It'd Been Written By Rogers & Hammerstein

• The song "I Want To Live In America" mentions eighteen types of pie.


• Instead of knife fights, the Sharks and Jets have yodeling competitions.


• Maria sings "I Feel Pretty" after making a dress out of wrapping paper and Bubble Yum.


• Maria endears herself to the Jets by teaching them how to play the spoons.


• The song "I Just Met A Girl Named Maria" has a chorus about goatherds.


• The fight scenes are choreographed by Kenny Ortega.


• In bed, Tony shows Maria his skill with finger puppets.


• Officer Krupke isn't an idiot.


• The line "There's a place for us" is followed by eighteen kids yelling, "VIENNA!"


• What kills Tony? Acute peritonitis.

How The Sound of Music Would Change If It'd Been Written By Leonard Bernstein

• Maria is kicked out of the convent because she's pregnant.


• When Maria says "fa" means a long, long way to run, some white kids hit her with a rock.


• The Nazis are played by Sal Mineo and Montgomery Clift.


• Maria's favorite things include pony kegs and Nine Inch Nails.


• When Liesl sings that she needs someone older and wiser, Rolf suggests Swami Vivekananda.


• The kids entertain party guests by playing mumblypeg.


• The answer to "How Do You Solve A Problem Like Maria"? Asphyxiation.

Looking for new ways to save money in the new year? Turn to Bankrate, the best consumer financial services company that buys space on Earthlink's logout page. They've collected some of the best tips your favorite Hollywood stars have for saving money in 10 True Tales of Celebrity Frugality, which we've edited and summarized. As Bankrate says, "Following their frugal habits could help your bottom line in the new year."

• Rob Lowe: Spend money to create memories, not just buy things. For instance, if your child expresses an interest in tennis, take them to Wimbledon.


• Joel McHale: You might be tempted to go crazy with your money, but there are perfectly nice cars you can buy for under two hundred grand.


• Nicholas Sparks: Sell all your extra homes, because then you won't feel obligated to go visit them.


• Patrick Warburton: In Las Vegas, walk away from the poker table when you're down three grand.


• Jill Hennessey: Instead of buying expensive designer clothes, find cheap ripoffs. Check the labels in clothes to make sure they're made in China.


• Roger Daltrey: Don't go around buying expensive homes: castles have much better resale value. Also, save money on grocery bills by buying a farm. The fruits and vegetables your migrant workers collect will cost a fraction of what you'd pay in an organic store.


• Carson Kressley: Take the subway instead of a cab, then occasionally reward yourself with an expensive pair of shoes or a stable of a dozen racehorses.


• Kris Jenner: Work hard and save your money. Grind that booty even when you're exhausted, because the day will come when your sex tapes just don't sell.

The Food Network is one of the biggest successes in niche television. Started in 1993, the network has introduced to America such celebrity chefs as Emeril Lagasse, Rachael Ray, and Bobby Flay. Viewership has increased exponentially, recently hitting a record ninety million households.

Naturally the business world is taking notice, so don't be surprised when the Food Network's blueprint shows up in real life.

• Whenever somebody throws a surprise party, they warn the recipient a month in advance.


• Hundreds of beauty pageants are held every year, yet you never see or hear from any of the winners again.


• While you're having sex, you hear a smug narrator detail the history of felching.


• As your doctor is examining you, he relates a story about how his Nana always used to have green stools.


• A traffic cop gives you a ticket for DFIATMPHZ.


• After eating her fried chicken and donuts for eighteen years, you discover your mom makes a commission off your Xenical.


• Instead of actually fucking you, hookers just tell you about the best blow job they ever gave.


• Everybody's resume starts with the line, "In 1993 Queen Elizabeth knighted me, and then I baked Lady Di's wedding cake."

Bill Donohue, president of the Catholic League for Religious and Civil Rights, has a full-page ad in the New York Times today defending the church against claims it tolerated child molestation. As we read his ridiculous diatribe, we got to wondering: what would Donohue say if five thousand priests were vampires?

1. "Five thousand? That's barely, like, -- what's a bunch of vampires called?"

2. "If all these priests are always biting people, why hasn't somebody gotten a picture of it?"

3. "Wait, so we're all in love with Robert Pattinson, but some old dude with bad breath in a rayon robe is totally creepy?"

4. "Sucking the blood of innocents is inexcusable! But what if these guys just bit their necks and drank?"

5. "Honestly, we tried to stop them, but we used up all our garlic for spaghetti sauce."

6. "You saw these guys drinking blood during mass. You thought they went home and switched to Ovaltine?"

7. "I hear through the rumor mill that a lot of the victims were already undead."

8. "Oh, puh-leeze. Like getting bitten is a one-sided thing."

9. "Hey, why don't we talk about the Jews for a minute? Why don't we ever see them with crucifixes?"

10. "If the church were truly harboring criminals, I wouldn't be able to look at myself in the mirror. Well, you know, if I could."

Why Christians Can't Wait for The Rapture

1. Ever since Richard Dawson left "Family Feud" life has seemed like a trivial sham.

2. In heaven, straight people can be interior decorators.

3. They love you, mama, but they just can't face another dinner of Jeno's pizza rolls and Hot Pockets.

4. Every Sunday it's "Go to church, go to church, go to church." Isn't it about time somebody came to them?

5. Hey, sweatpants don't last forever, you know.

6. That vague empty feeling deep in their souls will be filled when they're finally reunited with their schnauzer, Buffy II.

7. After breakfast at Dunkin' Donuts and lunch at Cinnabon, they're pretty sure they can't get out of their cars by themselves.

8. It's about time all the God-fearing Christians were rewarded and the popular people were burnt to a crisp.

9. If they have a spare second between the sky opening up and Jesus lifting them off the ground and floating them up to heaven, they can finally put on their "See, Assholes? I Told You So!" t-shirts.

10. Really, c'mon. Jews?

Bowing to the needs of their adoring public, Wal-Mart now sells coffins online. As you'd expect from the world's biggest store that stocks both Pampers and birth control pills, these coffins reflect an odd, middle-American slant. See if you can tell which of the options below are offered in Wal-Mart coffins and which exist solely on my wish list.

1. Blue interior for dad
2. Pink interior for mom
3. Scotchgarded interior for grandpa
4. Details copied from DaVinci's Last Supper
5. Sleep Number mattress
6. Precision pinstriping for dead high-powered executives
7. Pastel-colored Thomas Kinkade "Knockin' on Heaven's Gate" edition
8. Budget coffin for Hispanics
9. Patriotic "Stars and Stripes" edition
10. Cup holder
11. Extended dimensions for oversized corpses
12. Gun rack
13. Tiny speakers playing Toby Keith for all eternity



ANSWERS:1, 2, 4, 6, 8, 9 and 11 are real.

Songs on the New Bob Dylan Christmas Album

All I Really Want for Christmas
Don't Think Twice, It's Fluffy and White
Just Like Ye Merry Gentlemen
Gotta Serve Some Santa
Positively North Pole
Knockin' on Santa's Door
Watching the Reindeer Glow
Like a Rolling Snowball
Plinga Pling Pling (Little Tambourine Man)
Just Like Tiny Tim's Blues
A Fluffy Snow's Gonna Fall
Reindeer Day Women Nos. 12 & 35
Stuck Inside an Igloo with King Wenceslaus Again

Are you smarter than a fifth grader? Fat chance! In fact, I'll bet you can't even match first graders here.

Well, first graders from other countries, but still. See if you can identify the sounds that foreign animals make.

1. You're near the old Checkpoint Charlie and hear Tschiwitt tschiwitt tschiwitt coming from behind a fragment of the Wall. Which of these facts would you share with your German hosts?

(a) During the war, generals used to communicate with the troops by tying notes to their legs.
(b) If you force-feed these guys until they're fat, their livers are absolutely delicious.
(c) I have a shirt that's woven from the stuff these things squirt out their asses.

2. You're at a farm outside of Tokyo and you hear something calling Nyan nyan from behind the barn. What are you more likely to tell your Japanese hosts about this animal?

(a) Where I come from, we repeatedly yank on their udders and then drink the stuff that comes out.
(b) Andrew Lloyd Weber wrote a really popular musical about them.
(c) Did you know they feed their babies by vomiting predigested food in their mouths?

3. In the Presidential Box at Teatro dell'Opera in Rome you hear something go Squit, squit, squit. What will you tell your seatmate, the Count?

(a) I went to a race once where one broke its leg and somebody came out and shot it.
(b) When I was a kid I had this cool toy that trapped a bunch of these guys behind clear plastic so I could watch them tunnel around.
(c) In America there's a children's rhyme about how a farmer's wife disfigured three of these that were already blind.

4. You're in the rural flatlands of Malmö, and hear Ock-ock! coming from a neighbor's yard. What are you more likely to say to your Swedish friends?

(a) In America there's a Colonel who fries these things with eleven herbs and spices.
(b) Those guys really freak me out with their pointy horns and Satan eyeballs.
(c) I heard Catherine the Great was killed while she was getting fucked by one.

5. You're guzzling ouzo in Greece with a half-dressed sailor and hear something go Kikiriku! Which of these will you share with your new friend?

(a) Once when I was a kid I found one of those on a lilypad behind my house.
(b) Please don't tell me it's time to get up.
(c) There's this really famous gay magician in Las Vegas who was nearly clawed to death by one.

6. You're at Zsa Zsa Gabor's house when you hear something going Lefety lefety. Which would you say to your Hungarian host?

(a) These guys are endangered partly because they eat nothing but eucalyptus leaves.
(b) I leave water out for mine so he doesn't have to drink from the toilet bowl.
(c) Good god, Zsa Zsa, better cut back on his snacks or he's going to wear off all the hair between his legs.



ANSWERS: 1a, 2b, 3c, 4a, 5b, 6b

It's true: every successful person lied to get where they are. In fact, I've read so many lies recently I can't keep them all straight. See if you can tell which of the following claims were supposedly made by Tracy Anderson, fitness trainer to stars like Madonna and Gwyneth Paltrow, and which were made by TV chef Robert Irvine, current host of the Food Network's Dinner Impossible.

(1) Owned a castle in Scotland
(2) Had an ex who played for the Knicks
(3) Was knighted by Queen Elizabeth
(4) Has a bachelor's degree from the University of Leeds
(5) Was a White House chef
(6) Was one of the Power Rangers
(7) Worked on Prince Charles and Princess Diana's wedding cake
(8) Once starred in the musical Cats



ANSWERS: (1), (3), (4), (5) and (7) are Robert Irvine; (2), (6), and (8) are Tracy Anderson

Japanese inventors have come up with a device they claim translates a dog's woofs into words.

When the dog barks, the Bowlingual Voice picks up the sound with its built-in microphone, deciphers it, and then uses a speech synthesizer to tell the owner what the dog is trying to say.

I got an early version of this amazing little gadget and, well, I've got mixed feelings about it. Here's a list of everything my dog said yesterday:

I wuv you. Yes, I wuv you. Christ, just gimme the fuckin' Snausage already, ya jerk!

It's pale, it's skinny, it's furry. Why wouldn't I mistake your leg for a Pekinese?

Would you please stop telling the neighbors that I'm the one who keeps peeing on their plants?

Yeah, my dad's name is Mach Wysiwyg Triple Trougle Re XF. Yours is Wally. What's your point?

I swear to God, you turn that back to Animal Planet or you're gonna find a big brown present in your wingtips tomorrow.

Well, yeah, usually I offer unconditional love, but dude, I never met anyone who could eat a whole wheel of cheese.

Gimme a kiss. Gimme a kiss. Seriously, I've gotta get the taste of ass off my tongue.

And one day Binky says to me, you know what, Chester? I swear to God, I'm gonna bite the nose off the next motherfucker who taps on that glass.

C'mon, ask me why I lick my balls. Ask me.

RomanHans is nothing if not a guy who seizes opportunity. For instance, sometimes I'll see a dude who's so good looking I've got to say something just in the distant hope sparks will fly. As a public service, though, I figured I'd pass along a few opening lines I've tried that didn't exactly ignite a hot conversation.

I don't recall ever seeing a tuna sandwich that looked so doggone awesome.

I was just thinking that if I was homeless and somebody gave me a dollar I'd want to pay them back in some way.

Sigh; and to think I'd finally get my massage certification if I just found one more volunteer.

I don't know why, but I've always had a Larry Craig kind of stance.

I've always said that wrinkles are really happy memories pulling your skin toward the ground.

Last night there were naked dudes fucking in all these bushes and nobody even gave a second glance.

That pendant is just so awesome, and -- wow -- your chest is sooo smooth.

It has been four years since my last confession, but I wouldn't have waited nearly as long if I'd known there were priests as hot as you.

Your virile jawline is more interesting than any old movie.

After you guys are done fighting the fire, do you need somebody to wash your smoky clothes?

Wow, officer: the blue of your uniform exactly matches the color of my balls.

The Ten Stupidest Things People Said to the Crew of Flight 1549

-- I saw The Cable Guy on an airplane a few years ago, and I'm thinking you people got the better deal.

-- Were you, like, serving goose on the plane, and maybe that flock threw themselves at you because they were mad?

-- I'd like to thank all you flight attendants on America's behalf: namely, Donna Dent, age 51; Sheila Dail, age 57; and Doreen Welsh, age 58.

-- I'm a reporter for Channel 7. If people have nine lives like cats, how many have you used up and how?

-- I was a passenger in first class. Does this mean my massage is off?

-- So, are there like five thousand tiny bottles of alcohol at the bottom of the Hudson today?

-- Did you actually see the giant hand of God close around the plane and lower you to safety?

-- I swear, the next time I take a plane flight, I'm going to listen to all the bullshit you stewardesses say.

-- As a tribute to the bravery of the Flight 1549 crew I stomped eight geese today.

-- Captain, my name's RomanHans. I'd really like to shake your hand . . . or any other body part you want.

President Bush decided to close out his second term with an unusual display of honesty: the belated acknowledgement that yes, he'd made a few mistakes. While left-wing liberals may be disappointed that there weren't any major disclosures, some of the revelations gave us amateur historians a deeper insight into the man's character.

-- Wore Oil of Olay throughout 2008 thinking it'd turn him into a matador.

-- A rider he attached to a bill outlawing gay marriage also made it a felony to own a Cockapoo.

-- In the fall of 2006, he asked Blair Underwood for the hand of his daughter Carrie.

-- Authorized the funding of a three-billion dollar supercollider thinking it was some kind of cocktail.

-- Once went to a hardware store to buy a bottle of Liquid Electrician.

-- Still thinks Seabiscuit is a vegetarian snack.

-- Throughout the whole of his first term, he thought WMDs were his doctors.

-- When a reporter asked how it felt to be the worst president in history, he replied, "But I did pretty good in English, right?"

-- Once bought a frappuccino thinking it was an Italian monkey.

-- Had to destroy two million copies of the New York Times after a reporter asked what kind of underwear he wore and he answered, "Depends."

In the spirit of Digger the Nascar gopher, here are more cartoon creations from the talented pen of David Hill, chairman of the Fox Sports Television Group:

-- Snapper, the endangered sea turtle who can work on her tan now that a Mexican developer has paved over her eggs

-- Charo, the puppy-mill Chihuahua who'd love to see her kids end up in Paris Hilton's closet

-- Clucky, the chicken who think small cages are cozy, and doesn't see any real need to stand up

-- Rocky, the raccoon who'd rather live under a Polo Outlet store than in a hollow tree

-- Backstroke, the polar bear who'd rather go swimming than sit around some dull ice floe

-- Honker, the goose who force-feeds himself

-- Cockadoodle, the rooster who says fighting with razor blades attached to his feet keeps him in tip-top shape

-- Antlers, the moose who hates to admit it but those dudes in the helicopter shot him fair and square

-- Barker, the 102nd Dalmatian who spends his spare time turning his legs into lapels

Now that Madonna and Guy are breaking up, all their tawdry laundry is being aired. According to some news reports, for instance, the duo had so many conflicts they not only saw a marriage counselor, they had him write up a contract specifying what behavior was acceptable and what wasn't. Leave it to World Class Stupid to bring you the entire list.

• Both parties agree to rear children based on the timeless writings of whatever cult is fashionable at the time.
  
  
• In the event of an fractious dispute between the two parties, Rosie O'Donnell gets the tiebreaking vote.
  
  
• Both parties will make an effort to feign enthusiasm for the other's interests, whether that be conical bras and Jean-Paul Gaultier or Watney's Pale Ale and heterosexual sex.
  
  
• Both parties agree not to laugh when anyone suggests a film festival of the other's work.
  
  
• Infants must be changed a minimum of six times daily, ten times if they're onstage.
  
  
• Both parties agree to awaken each other with hugs and hearty greetings rather than cries of "Oh, God!" or "Sweetheart, remind who you are again."
  
  
• In public, both parties will speak as if they're British. At home, they're lusty gay Irishmen.
  
  
• When lost in a tsunami of existential despair, both parties will stop and ask themselves: What would Brad and Angelina do?
  
  
• Neither party will lift the other off the ground and say, "You're a cute li'l thing, aincha? 'Ow'd you like to feel me rough workman's hands against yer pretty white skin?" because that always gets Guy mad.
  

(Via Queerty)

Now that our savings are gone and we've lost our jobs, a lot of us find ourselves unable to afford the products we used to buy. Afraid of losing all their customers, some major manufacturers have introduced knockoff brands that are close to the originals but more affordable. Next time you 're at the supermarket and you need to save a buck, keep an eye out for these new products:

Straw Chex

Molden Grahams

Slime Jims

Weedabix

Marshmallow Seeps

I Can't Believe It's Dirt

Snot Pockets

Glop Tarts

V-1

Hostess Ding Dungs

Honey Bunches of Uh-Os