RomanHans is nothing if not a guy who seizes opportunity. For instance, sometimes I'll see a dude who's so good looking I've got to say something just in the distant hope sparks will fly. As a public service, though, I figured I'd pass along a few opening lines I've tried that didn't exactly ignite a hot conversation.

I don't recall ever seeing a tuna sandwich that looked so doggone awesome.

I was just thinking that if I was homeless and somebody gave me a dollar I'd want to pay them back in some way.

Sigh; and to think I'd finally get my massage certification if I just found one more volunteer.

I don't know why, but I've always had a Larry Craig kind of stance.

I've always said that wrinkles are really happy memories pulling your skin toward the ground.

Last night there were naked dudes fucking in all these bushes and nobody even gave a second glance.

That pendant is just so awesome, and -- wow -- your chest is sooo smooth.

It has been four years since my last confession, but I wouldn't have waited nearly as long if I'd known there were priests as hot as you.

Your virile jawline is more interesting than any old movie.

After you guys are done fighting the fire, do you need somebody to wash your smoky clothes?

Wow, officer: the blue of your uniform exactly matches the color of my balls.

The Ten Stupidest Things People Said to the Crew of Flight 1549

-- I saw The Cable Guy on an airplane a few years ago, and I'm thinking you people got the better deal.

-- Were you, like, serving goose on the plane, and maybe that flock threw themselves at you because they were mad?

-- I'd like to thank all you flight attendants on America's behalf: namely, Donna Dent, age 51; Sheila Dail, age 57; and Doreen Welsh, age 58.

-- I'm a reporter for Channel 7. If people have nine lives like cats, how many have you used up and how?

-- I was a passenger in first class. Does this mean my massage is off?

-- So, are there like five thousand tiny bottles of alcohol at the bottom of the Hudson today?

-- Did you actually see the giant hand of God close around the plane and lower you to safety?

-- I swear, the next time I take a plane flight, I'm going to listen to all the bullshit you stewardesses say.

-- As a tribute to the bravery of the Flight 1549 crew I stomped eight geese today.

-- Captain, my name's RomanHans. I'd really like to shake your hand . . . or any other body part you want.

President Bush decided to close out his second term with an unusual display of honesty: the belated acknowledgement that yes, he'd made a few mistakes. While left-wing liberals may be disappointed that there weren't any major disclosures, some of the revelations gave us amateur historians a deeper insight into the man's character.

-- Wore Oil of Olay throughout 2008 thinking it'd turn him into a matador.

-- A rider he attached to a bill outlawing gay marriage also made it a felony to own a Cockapoo.

-- In the fall of 2006, he asked Blair Underwood for the hand of his daughter Carrie.

-- Authorized the funding of a three-billion dollar supercollider thinking it was some kind of cocktail.

-- Once went to a hardware store to buy a bottle of Liquid Electrician.

-- Still thinks Seabiscuit is a vegetarian snack.

-- Throughout the whole of his first term, he thought WMDs were his doctors.

-- When a reporter asked how it felt to be the worst president in history, he replied, "But I did pretty good in English, right?"

-- Once bought a frappuccino thinking it was an Italian monkey.

-- Had to destroy two million copies of the New York Times after a reporter asked what kind of underwear he wore and he answered, "Depends."

In the spirit of Digger the Nascar gopher, here are more cartoon creations from the talented pen of David Hill, chairman of the Fox Sports Television Group:

-- Snapper, the endangered sea turtle who can work on her tan now that a Mexican developer has paved over her eggs

-- Charo, the puppy-mill Chihuahua who'd love to see her kids end up in Paris Hilton's closet

-- Clucky, the chicken who think small cages are cozy, and doesn't see any real need to stand up

-- Rocky, the raccoon who'd rather live under a Polo Outlet store than in a hollow tree

-- Backstroke, the polar bear who'd rather go swimming than sit around some dull ice floe

-- Honker, the goose who force-feeds himself

-- Cockadoodle, the rooster who says fighting with razor blades attached to his feet keeps him in tip-top shape

-- Antlers, the moose who hates to admit it but those dudes in the helicopter shot him fair and square

-- Barker, the 102nd Dalmatian who spends his spare time turning his legs into lapels

Now that Madonna and Guy are breaking up, all their tawdry laundry is being aired. According to some news reports, for instance, the duo had so many conflicts they not only saw a marriage counselor, they had him write up a contract specifying what behavior was acceptable and what wasn't. Leave it to World Class Stupid to bring you the entire list.

• Both parties agree to rear children based on the timeless writings of whatever cult is fashionable at the time.
  
  
• In the event of an fractious dispute between the two parties, Rosie O'Donnell gets the tiebreaking vote.
  
  
• Both parties will make an effort to feign enthusiasm for the other's interests, whether that be conical bras and Jean-Paul Gaultier or Watney's Pale Ale and heterosexual sex.
  
  
• Both parties agree not to laugh when anyone suggests a film festival of the other's work.
  
  
• Infants must be changed a minimum of six times daily, ten times if they're onstage.
  
  
• Both parties agree to awaken each other with hugs and hearty greetings rather than cries of "Oh, God!" or "Sweetheart, remind who you are again."
  
  
• In public, both parties will speak as if they're British. At home, they're lusty gay Irishmen.
  
  
• When lost in a tsunami of existential despair, both parties will stop and ask themselves: What would Brad and Angelina do?
  
  
• Neither party will lift the other off the ground and say, "You're a cute li'l thing, aincha? 'Ow'd you like to feel me rough workman's hands against yer pretty white skin?" because that always gets Guy mad.
  

(Via Queerty)

Now that our savings are gone and we've lost our jobs, a lot of us find ourselves unable to afford the products we used to buy. Afraid of losing all their customers, some major manufacturers have introduced knockoff brands that are close to the originals but more affordable. Next time you 're at the supermarket and you need to save a buck, keep an eye out for these new products:

Straw Chex

Molden Grahams

Slime Jims

Weedabix

Marshmallow Seeps

I Can't Believe It's Dirt

Snot Pockets

Glop Tarts

V-1

Hostess Ding Dungs

Honey Bunches of Uh-Os