Bill Donohue, president of the Catholic League for Religious and Civil Rights, has a full-page ad in the New York Times today defending the church against claims it tolerated child molestation. As we read his ridiculous diatribe, we got to wondering: what would Donohue say if five thousand priests were vampires?

1. "Five thousand? That's barely, like, -- what's a bunch of vampires called?"

2. "If all these priests are always biting people, why hasn't somebody gotten a picture of it?"

3. "Wait, so we're all in love with Robert Pattinson, but some old dude with bad breath in a rayon robe is totally creepy?"

4. "Sucking the blood of innocents is inexcusable! But what if these guys just bit their necks and drank?"

5. "Honestly, we tried to stop them, but we used up all our garlic for spaghetti sauce."

6. "You saw these guys drinking blood during mass. You thought they went home and switched to Ovaltine?"

7. "I hear through the rumor mill that a lot of the victims were already undead."

8. "Oh, puh-leeze. Like getting bitten is a one-sided thing."

9. "Hey, why don't we talk about the Jews for a minute? Why don't we ever see them with crucifixes?"

10. "If the church were truly harboring criminals, I wouldn't be able to look at myself in the mirror. Well, you know, if I could."

Why Christians Can't Wait for The Rapture

1. Ever since Richard Dawson left "Family Feud" life has seemed like a trivial sham.

2. In heaven, straight people can be interior decorators.

3. They love you, mama, but they just can't face another dinner of Jeno's pizza rolls and Hot Pockets.

4. Every Sunday it's "Go to church, go to church, go to church." Isn't it about time somebody came to them?

5. Hey, sweatpants don't last forever, you know.

6. That vague empty feeling deep in their souls will be filled when they're finally reunited with their schnauzer, Buffy II.

7. After breakfast at Dunkin' Donuts and lunch at Cinnabon, they're pretty sure they can't get out of their cars by themselves.

8. It's about time all the God-fearing Christians were rewarded and the popular people were burnt to a crisp.

9. If they have a spare second between the sky opening up and Jesus lifting them off the ground and floating them up to heaven, they can finally put on their "See, Assholes? I Told You So!" t-shirts.

10. Really, c'mon. Jews?

Bowing to the needs of their adoring public, Wal-Mart now sells coffins online. As you'd expect from the world's biggest store that stocks both Pampers and birth control pills, these coffins reflect an odd, middle-American slant. See if you can tell which of the options below are offered in Wal-Mart coffins and which exist solely on my wish list.

1. Blue interior for dad
2. Pink interior for mom
3. Scotchgarded interior for grandpa
4. Details copied from DaVinci's Last Supper
5. Sleep Number mattress
6. Precision pinstriping for dead high-powered executives
7. Pastel-colored Thomas Kinkade "Knockin' on Heaven's Gate" edition
8. Budget coffin for Hispanics
9. Patriotic "Stars and Stripes" edition
10. Cup holder
11. Extended dimensions for oversized corpses
12. Gun rack
13. Tiny speakers playing Toby Keith for all eternity



ANSWERS:1, 2, 4, 6, 8, 9 and 11 are real.

Songs on the New Bob Dylan Christmas Album

All I Really Want for Christmas
Don't Think Twice, It's Fluffy and White
Just Like Ye Merry Gentlemen
Gotta Serve Some Santa
Positively North Pole
Knockin' on Santa's Door
Watching the Reindeer Glow
Like a Rolling Snowball
Plinga Pling Pling (Little Tambourine Man)
Just Like Tiny Tim's Blues
A Fluffy Snow's Gonna Fall
Reindeer Day Women Nos. 12 & 35
Stuck Inside an Igloo with King Wenceslaus Again

Are you smarter than a fifth grader? Fat chance! In fact, I'll bet you can't even match first graders here.

Well, first graders from other countries, but still. See if you can identify the sounds that foreign animals make.

1. You're near the old Checkpoint Charlie and hear Tschiwitt tschiwitt tschiwitt coming from behind a fragment of the Wall. Which of these facts would you share with your German hosts?

(a) During the war, generals used to communicate with the troops by tying notes to their legs.
(b) If you force-feed these guys until they're fat, their livers are absolutely delicious.
(c) I have a shirt that's woven from the stuff these things squirt out their asses.

2. You're at a farm outside of Tokyo and you hear something calling Nyan nyan from behind the barn. What are you more likely to tell your Japanese hosts about this animal?

(a) Where I come from, we repeatedly yank on their udders and then drink the stuff that comes out.
(b) Andrew Lloyd Weber wrote a really popular musical about them.
(c) Did you know they feed their babies by vomiting predigested food in their mouths?

3. In the Presidential Box at Teatro dell'Opera in Rome you hear something go Squit, squit, squit. What will you tell your seatmate, the Count?

(a) I went to a race once where one broke its leg and somebody came out and shot it.
(b) When I was a kid I had this cool toy that trapped a bunch of these guys behind clear plastic so I could watch them tunnel around.
(c) In America there's a children's rhyme about how a farmer's wife disfigured three of these that were already blind.

4. You're in the rural flatlands of Malmö, and hear Ock-ock! coming from a neighbor's yard. What are you more likely to say to your Swedish friends?

(a) In America there's a Colonel who fries these things with eleven herbs and spices.
(b) Those guys really freak me out with their pointy horns and Satan eyeballs.
(c) I heard Catherine the Great was killed while she was getting fucked by one.

5. You're guzzling ouzo in Greece with a half-dressed sailor and hear something go Kikiriku! Which of these will you share with your new friend?

(a) Once when I was a kid I found one of those on a lilypad behind my house.
(b) Please don't tell me it's time to get up.
(c) There's this really famous gay magician in Las Vegas who was nearly clawed to death by one.

6. You're at Zsa Zsa Gabor's house when you hear something going Lefety lefety. Which would you say to your Hungarian host?

(a) These guys are endangered partly because they eat nothing but eucalyptus leaves.
(b) I leave water out for mine so he doesn't have to drink from the toilet bowl.
(c) Good god, Zsa Zsa, better cut back on his snacks or he's going to wear off all the hair between his legs.



ANSWERS: 1a, 2b, 3c, 4a, 5b, 6b

It's true: every successful person lied to get where they are. In fact, I've read so many lies recently I can't keep them all straight. See if you can tell which of the following claims were supposedly made by Tracy Anderson, fitness trainer to stars like Madonna and Gwyneth Paltrow, and which were made by TV chef Robert Irvine, current host of the Food Network's Dinner Impossible.

(1) Owned a castle in Scotland
(2) Had an ex who played for the Knicks
(3) Was knighted by Queen Elizabeth
(4) Has a bachelor's degree from the University of Leeds
(5) Was a White House chef
(6) Was one of the Power Rangers
(7) Worked on Prince Charles and Princess Diana's wedding cake
(8) Once starred in the musical Cats



ANSWERS: (1), (3), (4), (5) and (7) are Robert Irvine; (2), (6), and (8) are Tracy Anderson

Japanese inventors have come up with a device they claim translates a dog's woofs into words.

When the dog barks, the Bowlingual Voice picks up the sound with its built-in microphone, deciphers it, and then uses a speech synthesizer to tell the owner what the dog is trying to say.

I got an early version of this amazing little gadget and, well, I've got mixed feelings about it. Here's a list of everything my dog said yesterday:

I wuv you. Yes, I wuv you. Christ, just gimme the fuckin' Snausage already, ya jerk!

It's pale, it's skinny, it's furry. Why wouldn't I mistake your leg for a Pekinese?

Would you please stop telling the neighbors that I'm the one who keeps peeing on their plants?

Yeah, my dad's name is Mach Wysiwyg Triple Trougle Re XF. Yours is Wally. What's your point?

I swear to God, you turn that back to Animal Planet or you're gonna find a big brown present in your wingtips tomorrow.

Well, yeah, usually I offer unconditional love, but dude, I never met anyone who could eat a whole wheel of cheese.

Gimme a kiss. Gimme a kiss. Seriously, I've gotta get the taste of ass off my tongue.

And one day Binky says to me, you know what, Chester? I swear to God, I'm gonna bite the nose off the next motherfucker who taps on that glass.

C'mon, ask me why I lick my balls. Ask me.